Peace in Relationships – Sushila Mertens

My intention for Peace in Relationships is to explore our assumptions about peace in relationships and the internal energy we bring to our encounters with others. My experiences have formed an assumption that relationships are the crucible for being peace. As you read my assumptions notice your physical, emotional, and mental reactions. If your survival pattern of fight, flight, or freeze is activated, notice any resistance. Utilize any tools you have for activating the parasympathetic nervous system so you can complete the reading.

You are not expected to agree with my assumptions. The intention is to stay aware of all parts of your inner process. This interaction is a microcosm of how relationships can develop or disturb your inner peace.

Our culture encourages independence to the degree that living alone can secure our privacy and preferences. It is interesting to examine how these preferences create more desire or need to have life the way we want it. If we have to deal with another environment or people different from our preferences we can feel uncomfortable, and activate our survival mechanisms of fight, flight or freeze. To protect ourselves, we withdraw back into our safe environment of aloneness.

I believe people do crave peace and we are all unconsciously seeking peace. Humans consume alcohol and drugs, legal or illegal, to experience a state that might be perceived as peace. Many of us continue familiar patterns even if they are harmful or destructive to relationships because unconsciously the familiar gives us more peace than the new or unknown. When one person in a relationship “recovers” from addiction, the disappearance of familiar dysfunction can actually trigger the survival of the other. These co-dependent relationships exist to support the unconscious need for the familiar and expected; it is a distorted peace.

How can relationships ever bring us peace? Or should the question be: Can I be peace in relationship?

From the inside out, we become familiar with ourselves. We acknowledge our emotions and needs. We notice our reactions, and fears. What is stirring within us? We notice each time the other does one action and we react with another reaction. We notice where we feel a reaction in our bodies: throat, heart, belly, and womb. We notice if we feel safe or unsafe. What is actually happening? How much responsibility can we take for how we respond? I believe the first step to creating peace in relationships is to become responsible for yourself.

Write your thoughts and assumptions in your peace journal and/or share your understanding of peace on Activating Peace Inside Out Community facebook page. We can create a field together by focusing on what peace looks like, sounds like, and feels like.

Here are questions to consider:

How aware are you of your feelings, needs, language, and actions in any situation?
If you hold back and don’t reply with words, what thoughts are you noticing that you are unwilling to express?
Are you master of not reacting or are you master of holding back from expressing your truth?
What is the consequence of not allowing yourself to speak what needs to be expressed in a healthy way?

The energy inside expressed in your body language and face is still perceived by others consciously or unconsciously. Everything we are is actually transparent to others. Some people are more skilled perceiving the totality than others. Some will feel or see your energy field or aura. There is no hiding behind a poker face as more people open to their full potential and can read our totality. We may want to take responsibility for ourselves.

There are many models that teach self- awareness and allow us to calm down our sympathetic nervous system. I use these tools: Reiki, The Braveheart Women Female Success Model (FSM), Emotional Freedom Technique, a labyrinth meditation, and Rapid Eye Technology. I share these tools in this series and in my coaching practice.

One simple technique from FSM is to notice disturbance in your body and allow a breath like you are sucking a straw with rounded lips. Exhale with a Ha sound. The H emphasis stimulates your vagus nerve which regulates body systems. Remembering something positive or pleasurable during the breath also relaxes the body, activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Notice if the level of disturbance is less. Repeat until your physical body calms down.

If your mind needs evidence that inner peace in relationships is possible, you can take the assessment and record your findings and insights in a peace journal. You can retake the assessments at any time and reflect on how inner peace is blossoming into your relationships.

Assessement: Relationships
Using a 1 – 10 rating, 1 = Never, 10 = Always, where are you now in each of these statements?

I maintain my inner peace around others.
When in conflict, I notice I respond in ease more than I go into fight, flight or freeze.
When I avoid conflict and not express my viewpoint, I still experience inner turmoil.
I express my voice and remain in ease with family, co-workers, neighbors, etc..

Would you like to voice what you discovered in yourself from this blog with others?
Your questions and insights are welcomed on Activating Peace Inside Out Community FaceBook page.

Namaste, The best in me sees and appreciates the best in you.
Sushila Mertens